When I decided to eat low carb for a while, I was surprised by a) how good it felt to follow that diet plan and b) how well it worked for weight loss. In just a few weeks, I lost 10 pounds.

Then my brother-in-law died. And I started a new job. Life just got crazy in general, and I haven’t exactly been coping well. I have, however, been coping with food. Like I do.

But a couple weeks ago, I woke up on a Friday morning and decided that I’d had enough. I ate a healthy breakfast of oatmeal (I said healthy, not low-carb) and when it came time for lunch, I racked my brain for a fast, convenient solution. Preferably one that didn’t require me to get out of my car.

I decided on SONIC and pulled into the drive-thru. I ordered three chicken strips (Not the five that I really wanted. What? I was hungry!) with honey mustard and apple slices. The speaker next to the lighted menu squawked my order back to me correctly, and I pulled up to the window to pay.

After swiping and returning my debit card, the girl in the window handed me a brown SONIC bag. I said “thanks” and drove away. As I was heading back to my office, I thought that the bag looked extremely full for what it was supposed to contain. But I’d glanced at the receipt, and it had my order listed right, so I didn’t worry.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I peeked into my brown bag that was smelling suspiciously of fried goodness and saw a box of fries! What on earth? I didn’t order those! WHY would they give me fries? I DON’T NEED FRIES and FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I didn’t want fries.

*sigh*

For a split second ( . . . or two) I considered eating them anyway. Then I remembered SONIC’s stingy practice of including one measly ketchup packet in their bags, and I decided it wasn’t worth it. So I walked directly to the dumpster outside our building and threw the fries in the trash.

Yes, I did. Feel free to applaud. Because, SERIOUSLY. I threw away fries, people! This is big!

I walked up to my office, feeling pretty darned proud of myself and pretty darn annoyed at SONIC. And then I opened my bag.

I had ordered three chicken strips, honey mustard and apples. I got five chicken strips, ranch dressing, the trashed fries and cheddar bites. Cheddar bites! They gave me pieces of deep-fried cheese!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?!

You might not be surprised to hear that I wasn’t quite as strong with the cheddar bites as I was with the fries. Because I honestly thought at first that they were sweet potato tater tots, I tried one. Then I realized I had no idea what I’d just eaten, and I ate another one. Once I realized what they were, though, I immediately through them in an trash can across the room only ate a couple more before throwing them away.

And I didn’t eat all the chicken. What was the point? I didn’t have any honey mustard to dip it in!

While some people might be tempted by SONIC’s daily happy hour drink special (mmmmm . . . cherry limeades . . .) or last week’s National Shake Day (mmmm . . . shakes . . .), not me. Apparently temptation will find me on a regular day at lunch when I TRY MY HARDEST TO EAT DECENTLY.

Have you ever been ambushed while trying to eat healthy?

It’s true. My inner voice – the one I hear in my head nearly every waking minute of my day? She can be a total jerk . . . and sometimes she sounds a lot like Joan Jett. Or a lot like what I would sound like singing Joan Jett.

See, somewhere along my forever-long journey of gaining and losing and fighting and hating weight, I came up with a catchy little tune to sing when I realize I’m losing the battle. It’s sung to the tune of “I Hate Myself for Loving You,” and it goes like this:

I hate myself for loving food.
Can’t break free from the things that I do.
I wanna walk, but I run back to you.
That’s why I hate myself for loving food.

I know, you’re stunned by songwriting skills, right?

No, that’s not an original little ditty, but even worse, it’s incredibly cruel. And I do it to myself.

I don’t hear that song every day, and I truly don’t hear it nearly as often as I used to. I’ve been intentional about my self talk for the past few years, and I’m getting better at recognizing when I’m beating myself up verbally – and stopping. [Dear close friends and family, I said I'm getting better not that I'm completely cured of the habit.]

Anytime I’ve heard a sermon or presentation about self-talk, the point is always made that some of us talk to ourselves worse and uglier than we would ever dare talk to another person. Some of the things I’ve said to or about myself I might not even say about my cats!

I really have been working on it for a while, though. And overall, I think I do a pretty good job of refraining from cutting myself down out loud or internally. After going through the Bible study, Me, Myself & Lies, I learned to change a pattern I’d had for years. Anytime I’d mess up, whether making a simple mistake or committing a grievous sin, I’d say to myself, in my head, “Ahhh! You’re so stupid!”

That’s not true. I’m not stupid. And since going through that Bible study, that’s exactly what I say, often out loud, when that thought slips back in. “No, I’m not stupid. I’m a smart person who made a mistake.”

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m just one self help book away from turning into an SNL sketch. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”

Picturing myself giving that little pep talk to the me in the mirror is ridiculous – but I’m not [too] embarrassed to share this with you. Couldn’t we all use a few more encouraging words and a little less criticism?

Despite my progress in much of my self-talk habits, I still struggle with this in regard to my weight. Thanks to enough psychology classes for a college minor, I know that part of my struggle stems from my high internal locus of control. In the deepest, truest part of me, I believe that my life is within my control, that my life is the result of my choices. So if something in my life is going wrong (aka, my clothes don’t fit), I’m the one to blame.

Cue the Joan Jett impression.

No, wait! Don’t cue anyone unless it’s goofy old Stuart Smalley. Because I’m ready to give up on this inner voice of mine. She’s rude, and I don’t like her anymore. So I’m going to replace the ugly, critical words with ones that are encouraging and actually create change.

I’m intentionally changing my inner dialogue, and I’m saying these things to myself instead:

Great job choosing a healthy snack!
You chose the right hard today.
That’s okay. Start over right now.
Half an hour on the treadmill is better than nothing.
That was a good start!
It won’t be long before you can do the whole video.
Nobody is perfect. Just try it again tomorrow.

It’s not as catchy as a Joan Jett song, but I’m working on it. Maybe, “I love myself for eating fruit! It’s healthy like veggies but easier to chew . . .”

No? Fine. I’ll keep working on it.

Until then, I would love to hear about your inner voice. Is she kind, forgiving? Or harsh and critical? Does she sound like an 80s rocker or perhaps your mother or your seventh-grade English teacher? Do you need to rewrite her script and add in a little Stuart Smalley?

Who does your inner voice sound like?