I realize those photos are old. However, they do tell a story – and a timely one at that. See, we’ve been having some issues in our house lately. As in, oh my word, is my child possessed and are those sounds really coming out of my baby issues.
If I had a good picture of a recent tantrum, you’d better believe I’d post it. Perhaps from two nights ago, when she screamed and banged and hollered and slammed until nearly 2:00 in the morning. Or from the other morning, when Mark attempted to drop her off at daycare and she refused to walk in the door and even once she did, screamed and cried for a quarter hour under a table in her classroom. Or from the movie theater parking lot, after we saw Brave, when she screamed so loudly and dramatically as I tried to put her in my parents’ car (for her grandparent sleepover that she looks forward to every week) that it’s a wonder nobody called the police over a suspected kidnapping.
Believe it or not, though, these fits are so traumatic (For me. Not her. ME.) that picking up my camera never even crosses my mind. I wish I did have the energy to grab my camera during one of her now-epic fits. I’m pretty sure I’d get a tiny bit of glee out of how mad she’d get to see me do just that. (Yeah, yeah, I know. Mom of the Year.) But honestly, she’s just worn me down.
Worn. Me. Down.
I’m exhausted. Physically and emotionally, I am beyond tired of the tantrums my child is throwing. My mom (a teacher) made up worksheets for me to start recording some details surrounding Annalyn’s almost-daily meltdowns, hoping that we can figure out what the actual trigger is.
As far as I can tell, it’s pretty much ANYTHING.
Okay, fine. Telling her no sets her off. But so does trying to leave her anywhere (i.e., daycare, my parents’ house, her class at church). And, oh yeah, so do itchy bug bites. Yeah, those set her off, too.
And in case you’re thinking it’s my fault (is it? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Could it be?), I’m not in the habit of just giving in or letting her have her way. No, sir. And I’ve tried a variety of strategies for solving this problem.
I have ignored her and refused to engage.
I’ve yelled and screamed.
I’ve given natural consequences.
I’ve taken away her favorite toys and privileges.
I’ve kept my cool, and I’ve lost my temper.
I’ve tried everything I can think of.
So this morning I’m resorting to a visit to the pediatrician. I realize that crazy behavior issues can actually have lots of different physical causes, and I want to check out some of those possibilities.
Because up until the past few months, we’ve never had such major behavior problems with Annalyn. She’s strong-willed and independent, but overall, pretty obedient and teachable. Not so much these days. Now, granted, our family has had a whole lot of upheaval in the past few months, but this was actually starting before any of that began.
I told Mark and my mom that I’m not sure what scares me the most: hearing the pediatrician say that all this is normal and I just have to deal with it, or hearing her say that there’s something major going on that we may or may not be able to fix.
No matter what’s going on here, though, no matter what is causing my sweet baby to go full-on rage monster several times a week, I have no doubt that her lungs are completely and totally healthy.
(My ears, on the other hand? Still ringing.)
Any tips for dealing with a tantrum-throwing preschooler?
Consistency. Our daughter was incredibly strong-willed at early ages (and it seemed to start overnight) but later that quality turned into determination and perseverance and making choices for herself to follow hard after God. She’s a super young woman now.
And she did eventually stop the fits, too, but I can remember being very frustrated and beside myself in the middle of them.
Hang in there!
I always took the kids to their rooms and left them there. They could come out when the tantrum was done. Before too long, when they started crying or having a fit, they took themselves to their rooms. They still do. It doesn’t help the tantrum but kept me from dealing with it while frustrated and also gave me the chance to talk to them when they were ready to hear.
This sounds very challenging and I have no words of advice. I hope the pedi can offer wisdom. It’s scary when I realized I can’t ‘control’ the behavior of my children. sigh.
Oh, I feel for you. It is so frustrating to feel that we’ve done everything we can and still the problem persists. I have two ideas:
1. Pray for her and with her specifically about this issue. (I’m sure you’ve been praying about this… but you know, keep at it…)
2. I have a niece who had a similar type of problem. It was AWFUL. It went away when they took her off sugar. All sugar. Last Christmas, as a special treat, she was allowed one small cookie… two hours later, full-blown tantrum. So, you might try eliminating sugar from her diet completely (try it for a couple of weeks and see if it helps), or maybe visit a nutritionist/dietitian who could help figure out other food triggers.
I like this idea about getting rid of sugar, as I’ve heard so many things lately about how diet impacts us (and how incredibly bad sugar is in so many ways). Would it still be ok to have honey? The diet I’m on only allows honey as a sweetener (but I’d still do well to limit that). It’d also be an excuse to change your own diet, because I think that would be really hard if I had a whole family eating too.
Oh I am so sorry Mary! I SO hear you (over the din of my daughter!) We cut out sugar with our son’s tantrums because they were ADHD related- or poss. sensory processing- or both and that helped A LOT. He would just loose it. It’s been a couple of years of training and very little sugar and he’ll loose it somewhat now, but we can talk to each other during it. Our daughter, on the other hand, is a more difficult case. She is very determined! (which is great usually!) There are some other issues as well, and so we’re just starting to try a gluten free diet with her to see if that helps her brain and stomach to function a little more happily.
Any chance her issues started with allergy season? A friend’s son’s grumpyness was caused by allergies.
My mom suspects allergies, and it’s a good possibility because I have pretty bad allergies. We’ll probably have her tested soon. And THANK YOU for the empathy!! :)
So interesting. We are working on limiting dairy for other reasons, but sugar is another thing that, I know, affects a lot of people. Hmmm. I need to track what’s going on (ie, what she’s been eating) when the tantrums hit, so I can figure this piece out. Thank you! And thank you for the encouragement to pray. That is a reminder I am always happy to get!
OH praying! No advice here but pray! Love, Traci
Thank you so much, Traci!!
I do think it’s normal (sorry…that whole sin nature thing starts coming into play). Ethan was our strong-willed, tantrum thrower (it started at 4 years). I didn’t think we’d ever get through it. A friend (who happens to be the director of our children’ ministry at church and seems to be the ‘child whisperer’) recommended the book, “Parenting Is Heartwork” by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.
I have read this book cover to cover (highlighted, and tabbed the pages LOL!) and even had the opportunity to sit in on a break out session that Turansky and Miller led at a children’s ministry conference I attended back in March. These two are GOOD! They attack child behavior from a Biblical standpoint focusing on what is going on in the child’s heart at the time of the tantrum. We used their technique (taking a break) and started seeing a breakthrough in Ethan’s behavior. We were able to give him a “break” away from us when he was throwing his fit, and when he calmed down, he could come back and we could talk about what happened, why it was wrong, and what he could do differently next time. The break was less a punishment, and more an opportunity for him to get control of his emotions and think about things. I think what I like the most is that it has helped Ethan see the process of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Sorry, this probably comes across as, “I have a solution for you!!!!”. But, it’s more that this is jut what worked for our family. I hope the ped has some good advice!!! Hang in there mama!
I am going to see if my library has that book – it sounds good, and I am thankful to hear what solutions worked for you!! I need to be more effective in giving her breaks. Or maybe I just need her to take a longer break…as in, I am the one who needs a longer break! :)
Mary, I’m sorry for the frustration that you and your daughter are experiencing. It’s one of those wrenching times that exhaust, overwhelm, and confuse. And I just want to tell you that I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. (Sometimes, when I’m struggling, it helps a little for people to just acknowledge that I’m having a hard time.) It sucks. It’s not fair. It feels really bad right now. I wish I could give you a big hug and an iced cappuccino. For now, how about this: “Heavenly Father, I praise you for the amazing daughter you have created in Mary and in her precious daughter, Annalyn. In our humanness, we struggle and fall. We throw tantrums, and we wear out. Lift your daughters now from their burdens. Give them rest, wisdom, and the warm embrace of your deep love. Replace their heavy yoke with your light one. Bless them with overflowing abundance. In the name of Jesus, Amen.”
Oh, Mandy, thank you so much. And yes! Hearing someone else agree that this sucks IS HUGE!!
I just wanted to give you hope. My daughter did the same thing. The last really bad fit that I remember was at Walmart and I would not buy her a drink she wanted. She threw herself down on the floor screaming. I picked her up and by that time she was probably 7 or 8 years old. I kept thinking that she was too big to be doing this. I could barely hold her. She would let her whole body go limp to where I could hardly hold her. I found my husband and he took her to the car. People were staring. It was horrible. She did not go back to the store with me for over a year.
She too cried and didn’t want me to leave her at school even in the 2nd grade. Some days I was doing good to even get her to the car. I am not an overly indulgent mom. I believe in rules. But she was stong-willed, way more strong willed than me.
Now here is the hope. We survived. She is now 12 years old and no longer throws fits. She out-grew it. I do think she was “playing” me. It hit me one day when something happened and my husband was home and she stopped her fit and said, “Yes daddy.” (He is better at discipline than me.)
Don’t give up. It eventually ends. I can’t even tell you when it finally ended but I kept loving her and working with her and eventually it all ended. She did have a great 2nd grade teacher that really worked with her on staying at school. She would tell me to leave and then she would give her a little talk and go on about the day. She was amazing.
But don’t give up. I’m praying for you.
Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story and giving me hope and especially for praying. Just – thank you.
Yuck. I have no advice (other than Super Nanny, but I think that show’s off the air now), but I will definitely pray.
Haha! I told Mark I wanted to call in Super Nanny!! (and thank you)
Oh, Mary.
First of all, your comments are like a treasure trove! Yay for great advice.
Here’s mine, briefly *snicker*:
1. Consistency. Instead of trying everything, just try one thing overandoverandoverandover again. The second she starts whining, do that one thing you’ve decided on and follow thru with it until it hurts (you). And do it EVERY TIME. I remember Lydia doing this thing when she was about 3 where every time I’d tell her to do something she’d fall on the floor (dramatic, much?). So, every single time she did that, I spanked her leg. And she stopped after awhile.
2. Pray. Specifically. For. Her.
3. Talk to her about it. And then find a scripture to memorize together. Make her say it to you (either after she’s been disciplined or juuuust before she’s about to fly off the handle).
4. Encourage yourself. This is just how kids are. They are sinful. The end. God chose you to be her mom.
5. (Don’t listen to the pedi if they tell you something is wrong. I don’t believe it.)
Love you! We can finish this on Skype!
a
Thank you. So very much. These are all the exact words I need to hear. I haven’t prayed enough, and I have tried to be consistent…but not enough. And GREAT idea about the scripture – any specific suggestions?
Oh, sister, I know… it is so. hard. My 3.5 year old has been going through an awfully stubborn, disobedient time and I am so stressed out over it. On the daily I cry out to God for help, for mercy, to show me what I’m doing wrong, to change his heart, whatever it takes… it’s so tiring. Praying He will give you peace and joy that surprasses your circumstances, and that you will find something that helps the tantrums.
You are a smart lady to be taking it directly to God. I have not done that nearly enough and need to be on my knees about this!!
I see that you wrote in a comment today that you and your mom think it might be allergies, but what did the pediatrician say?
Well, I actually ended up taking her in for an ear infection (a mild one that, I am 100% sure, is unrelated to the behavior issue), and we saw a pediatrician who is not our normal doctor. When I mentioned a couple things to her, she immediately said we should take her to a counselor and gave me the names of two different child therapists. It was the opposite problem I anticipated (because our normal pediatrician weighs too heavily on the wait-and-see/it’s-probably-not-a-big-deal side), and it really upset me. I’m not saying that she doesn’t need to see a therapist, because she could…but it doesn’t feel like that’s the solution we need. So, all that to say, I need to make a new appointment with our regular doctor!! (And thank you so much for asking!)
i’m so sorry you have to go through this… i’m sorry for annalyn too. it can’t be fun doing this every day!
i read through all the comments… what wonderful advice! i don’t have much to add, but have you recently sat down and explained what behavior is okay and not okay, and what the consequences will be if her behavior is not okay? the reason i ask, is because i’ve had to remind ryan every couple days if not every day that whining and crying is not acceptable and what will happen if he chooses to do that. also, i made it clear that when he’s disobeying me he’s disobeying God and Jesus. and he really doesn’t like to do that! we recite “children obey your parents in Lord for this is right.” and i tell him that GOD said that in the Bible, so he needs to obey God! :-)
another thing, do you go over the top praising/rewarding her for when she’s good? i know that motivates some kids. maybe you could do a sticker chart and print out one of those chuck e cheese charts for good behavior or something. just a thought.
ok, i know i said i didn’t have much to add, and please don’t think i’m attacking your parenting and say you did it wrong because i saw just a glimpse of your day. but when i was there and she was throwing her tantrum, after a while she calmed down and asked if she could come out of her room but you made her stay, which kind of escalated into another tantrum. ok i reeeeeally don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but do you think you were too hard on her or too expectant of her behavior to have her sit quietly in her room for longer? i have done this with ryan many times. days that felt like they would never end and i would be yelling at him/sending him to his room ALLLLLL day. and then i got that boundaries with kids book and since then when he’s throwing a fit and gets sent to his room, i talk to him and acknowledge him as soon as he calms down. and if i don’t feel like his behavior warrants him to cry in his room and go back to normal playing/whatever when he’s done screaming i’ll give him a consequence (that we’ve already talked about) after he’s calmed down and we’re talking about his behavior.
can i just say, though, that you’re doing an awesome job, even though you may not think so at the time. so many parents would take the quick fix and give in to their kids especially when around other people, but you’re putting in your time and hard work now, which i know will reap benefits when she’s 14. :-) love you and i’ll be praying extra grace for you and annalyn this week!
Did I reply to this before? I can’t remember. Thank you for being my good friend and giving me real feedback. I understand what you’re saying about being too hard on her and expectations, and I’ve been talking to Mark about this since reading your comment! I’m totally fine with being strict, but only if it’s effective in teaching her to obey and also that she’s loved. You know? And I’m not sure that’s really what I’ve been achieving. I’m getting that book, by the way, so I will keeping thinking about this and adjusting as I figure some of this out. So thank you for being my friend, for telling me the truth and for recommending that book! Love you!
I know this will probably sound crazy and old fashioned but I had a child just like that who is now 40. (He was actually asked to leave pre-school.) I got this book that helped me so much. It was called “Why Your Child is Hyperactive” written by Dr. Benjamin Feingold. If you can, try to get a copy and read it. It was so helpful for me and it involves putting her on a diet with no artificial colors or flavors. I had to really read labels and bacon and bologna were huge problems because of the nitrates. It really helped him a lot and me too because he was so hard to deal with. I’ve been thinking about your problem and thought this might help. It can’t hurt, for sure! Good luck.
Thank you, Gail. I don’t think you sound crazy or old-fashioned! She actually eats a pretty healthy diet, but we’ve been watching that even more because so many people have shared stories of behavior being linked to nutrition!
Completely random, and I just decided to post it here because i couldn’t find somewhere else to do so… i love your blog! I’ve only recently gotten into blogging myself, but its so cool to read other people’s too!!! :D
Thank you so much, Daniella! :)
My six children are older now. My first was very strong-willed. As I look back on our struggles, I see how “busy” I was with other things and I think I needed to intentionally spend time with just her daily – playing, reading, or just taking a walk together. I noticed that your daughter goes to daycare and her grandparents on the weekend, maybe she needs your time. Just a thought, not a judgment.
Hi Karen! That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking, too. I just started working part-time, so yes, the change to daycare and grandparents’ during those days I work is a recent one. Another friend mentioned something that helped me realize that a little intentional, one-on-one time each day might make a difference in our power struggles. I’ve been working to make that a top priority for the past week or so, and I do believe it’s helping. If nothing else, it’s working to change my heart and soften my attitude – and that can never hurt! Thank you for sharing your insight!