Alternate title: When the Going Gets Tough . . .
This week’s study was all about remembering . . . and forgetting. The homework (though I have not completed it yet, ahem!) focused on forgetting not (in other, less complicated words: remembering) God’s benefits. And the video focused on forgetting our past and ourselves.
As with most topics in this study, those of us on last night’s chat find these instructions to be difficult. Not difficult to understand. We seem to grasp the WHY of these teachings fairly easily. It’s the HOW that is proving difficult for me – and, I think, for others doing the study.
For me, personally, it’s hard to get past the surface when discussing these matters. Because you know what? Getting past the surface and actually facing what’s in my messy, dirty, dark thought closet? It’s hard. And it hurts. And I don’t like it.
There. I said it. I don’t like this process.
Please, please don’t misunderstand me. This study and the Truth it is based on are amazing. Jennifer Rothschild, the author, is sweet and wise and wonderful – and she uses all of those characteristics to hold a mirror to my heart and then point me straight to God.
But – and make sure you hear this in the right tone of voice: whining – it’s hard!
See, what I’m learning is that I have a little issue with denial. Because I was raised – even in the middle of the Midwest – to be a good Southern girl. And a good church girl. One who answers the question, “How are you?” with an “I’m fine, thanks. And you?” every time.
That’s not to say that we don’t talk feelings in my family. On the contrary, it’s often all we do. And that, strangely combined with the Southern background and church culture of my childhood, is exactly why I would just rather not rehash all the nasty stuff that’s going on inside my heart, if you don’t mind, thank you very much.
Now, I can put on my Bible Study Face and confess all my sins and dredge up long-forgotten hymns and half-memorized Scripture to meet each situation.
But the truth? Well, the truth is, friends, that I’m not really addressing my issues.
I’m doing a lot of talking and a lot of listening to my Bible study friends. But I’m not doing much praying and certainly not enough of listening to my God.
Apparently – I either believe that I can handle all my junk on my own, or I believe that my junk isn’t that bad after all. And I think it’s a little bit of both.
One of the things that Jennifer said in the video that accompanies last week’s chapter was this: When we are full of ourselves, we dishonor God and we are the most miserable.
I think that’s the place I’m sitting squarely in. Full of myself, but standing my ground. Because taking a step outside of that spot to dig deeper into truth and reality and issues? Is scary.
There you have it: I’m scared. I don’t like this study. It’s hard. This stuff hurts.
And as scary as it was to admit all that to you, it’s even scarier to think about truly opening up my heart and really leaning on God to work through this thought closet renovation.
But I’m going to do it. Partly because I don’t like to be a quitter. And partly because I so enjoy our Monday night chats and can’t imagine dropping out on you. But also because this is what I need to do. God didn’t bring me to this study for no reason. It’s no accident that I found this book and found a group of ladies to join me in working through it.
So I’ll keep on keeping on. Will you?
[For those of you not struggling quite so desperately, I also discuss this week’s lesson at To Live Beautiful, where I ask: What tangible things do you use to remind yourself of God’s blessings in your life?]
This post is linked to What I Learned This Week.
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disappointed in you? Never….nothing I love more than authenticity shining through. :)
Thanks, Jen. This study is really good – but it's hard. And I just needed to get all that off my chest. I'm so thankful for the women who are doing this with me – and for the opportunity to be authentic with all of you!
I'm with you — not doing much of the praying and listening part. :( Because it's so hard! Although I bet it might not be AS hard if I would do the praying/listening… ;) Anyway, I'd like to keep on keeping on as well. :) Well, I would and I wouldn't. But I want to want to, if that makes sense. :) I really think this study is too much for just 6 weeks — I think it should definitely be spread out more! I also think it would be helpful to do some of the days day-by-day with people, because sometimes it's just so hard to remember and to think of these things! I think it helps to hear others' ideas and examples. I dunno; it's just a lot and I'm struggling! (but not struggling as much as I should be — if I were trying harder and spending more time on it!;)
I think it's probably the worst lie of all – the one that says I can handle anything and don't have to bother God with my problems. That way, I don't have to go to Him and throw myself prostrate at His feet and admit that I'm failing and that I don't know what to do and could He please help me?
Acknowledging my lies to God is probably my only step to freedom. It's not even acknowledging them to myself because it is still so "self-contianed" and easy to compartmentalize or repackage and tuck back nicely into my "thought closet".
I find that only when I'm brought to the end of me, that I have nowhere to go but to Him – and He is just waiting there for me to give him all the junk so He can fashion it into treasure…
The lies that keep me away from God keep me bound. The lies that tell me I can do "just fine" on my own, keep me independent of His Truth (to set me free) and of His Grace (to give me life)…
It's that fork in the road and I'm so used to walking down that well worn path of self-reliance, I have to STOP and make myself turn down the other path in order to find Life as He intends it for me.
I'm discovering its not the lies of worthlessness, or lack of value that keep me from God – it's the lies of self-reliance and independence that keep me from all God has for me.
I agree with chelleybutton, too. This is deep stuff, hard stuff, and to dig it all up in 6 weeks is really tough. If it were a college class I could attend 3 times a week, I'd power through it and probably not reap the benefits as much as I'd like. Since its something I'm doing at my own pace, I'm finding it HARD to walk through at times, and yet SO healing and good in the end.
Chelley and Debbie, thank you for your honesty. We'll talk at next week's chat about how or if we continue (since none of us feel close to finished!!).
You know this has felt like a "crash" course–I can hardley believe there is only 2 more weeks left when I feel like I've really just begun. There are days when I'm doing this homework and I say to myself "REally? She's asking me to do what? Well, I'm just not in the mood for this!" So I put it down & give myself some time to hash it over through the day. Later on I'm able to come back to that page & be honest with myself & with God. It has proven for me that if I avoid and ignore the junk in my thought-closet that the devil WILL use those things as weapons against me. I don't know about you, but I've come this far & I really, really want to push through because I KNOW God is preparing me to stand strong and in HIS peace when the roaring lion attacks. I'm so grateful for this process. I encourage you to keep on keeping on!