The days following Annalyn’s birth are a blurry memory. Especially the eight days between my discharge from the hospital and hers.
I remember forcing myself to take showers, per the doctor’s orders. And gradually weaning myself off the dozen pillows I’d taken to sleeping with. Daily trips to the hospital, holding a baby I didn’t know…and didn’t know what to do with.
And crying. Between the hormones and the trauma, there was a lot of crying. In fact, I remember being so excited when I finally made it 24 hours without tears.
More than one tearful episode during those days – and in the months to come – centered on the question that plagues my heart even now, even this week: Why did it work out for us? Why am I okay? Why is Annalyn okay?
See, I did not enjoy my visits to my tiny daughter in the NICU. Because while I got to hold her and hear ever-improving reports from the nurses, other families sat in that room, not so fortunate. Other families cried and whispered and let their shoulders drop and their heads hang low.
Because some of those babies weren’t going to be okay. And as more than one nurse told me, it was a miracle that either one of us was so healthy.
And I didn’t understand – still don’t understand – why.
Mark’s response to my tortured question was, “Because God loves us.”
Of course He does. But He loves those other families, those other precious babies, too. I don’t understand.
This week has seen much heartbreak in the blogosphere – and in real people’s real lives. And as I learn about grieving families that have touched so many and are loved by so many, I still don’t understand. Why are some babies okay? Why aren’t the others?
For almost three weeks, MckMama has updated her friends and family on Stellan’s fight with heart troubles. Stellan is just five months old, a miracle baby who wasn’t supposed to live but who has lived indeed. But now he’s got a whole lot of health problems, and his family has been through the wringer with bad news, then good news, then terrible news, then tentatively hopeful news. From what I read, he’s doing better now, and his mom is resting in her faith. Tentative hope returns…
Angie Smith is a new-to-me blogger, but many readers walked with her last year when her sweet baby girl, Audrey Caroline, was born and died on April 7. For the last three months of her pregnancy, Angie carried her daughter, knowing she would not live. And yet, by the grace of God, Angie was able to cling to her faith and in doing so, shared the message of God’s love and His strength with what seems to be most of the blogging world. In honor of Audrey’s birthday, Angie offered a special gift for Compassion on her blog, turning her pain into something beautiful once again. 
Yet even as I watch these situations unfold, peeking through my fingers just like I do when watching Grey’s Anatomy, I can see the beauty, the hope. God is working in these families’ lives and using them to show the truth of His perfect love. Even if I don’t understand.
Hey all, I know that Maddie’s March for Dimes button is cut off. But it’s in HTML and so I’m leaving it – we can see her pretty face and the growing total, and that’s really what I wanted to share with you.
I don’t understand either. I can’t even imagine going through what these families have. I don’t think I ever want to have kids, because it sounds way too scary. :( (Btw, the link to the Spohr family isn’t working for me)
I grieve for these families. I can only imagine what they are going through. But in the days and weeks Samuel was in the hospital, I had to deal with these questions (Did I tell you that AFTER we got out of the hospital, Connor’s biological uncle who happens to be a doctor, told us how “lucky” we were that Samuel survived…”Do you know the mortality rate for empyema for children Samuel’s age!” Um…thanks for sharing?).
Anyway, I came up with two answers which you probably already have heard, but I feel like sharing anyway. a. God will not give us trials that He cannot get us through. Meaning, some people are strong enough to handle it and because of this, they will grow from it as people. Not that it is a “good” thing or a pleasant thing, but God has his purposes. And I think those purposes include my second answer…
God allows these things to happen so that we can be blessings to others.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” – 2 Cor. 1:3-4
These women have inspired you and have been a blessing to many other men and women facing similar struggles. Not that that makes it any easier for them and I am sure they would trade comforting others with their child’s health any day, but God knew they would be able to help someone else.
And of course, my “favorite” answer…You knew I’d say it :-D… We live in a sin cursed world and death is a part of that curse. And it is horrible.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
…you really need to stop asking “rhetorical” questions…I can’t stop myself from answering :-D
I agree this is extremely heartbreaking. Cannot even imagine… May God bring comfort to these grieving families.
As you may know I just wrote about my little brother that we lost when he was 7 years old, and how what I felt like I had coped with has evolved into a new challenge as I have a son of my own now. I can relate to a lot of the same feelings that you have expressed. Praise God for your little miracle! Thank you for sharing your heart.