(Cue ominous music now.)
Today, we are 30 days out from my 30th birthday.
As long as I can remember, I have wanted to be older. I grew up as the oldest child who, due to my parents’ extra jobs and college classes at night, took care of her younger siblings. I also grew up close to my cousins, who are five, six and eight years older than me. Reportedly, they saw me as a toy to play with when I was young, but as we grew up, I’m quite sure they saw me as an equal. Surely they didn’t see me as a kid trying desperately to be like her older cousins…right…?
Ahem.
Anyway, for many years, I’ve wanted to be seen as mature, responsible, capable – all qualities typically associated more often with those older than myself. The thought of getting older never struck me as a bad thing; rather, it was a promise that someday, I’d get the respect I deserve.
(I acknowledge freely that this is all ridiculous, including the presumption that I deserve respect. Because believe me, I didn’t have in mind the normal respect we each deserve as humans, as children of God. Nope, I craved the kind of respect typically reserved for superstars or prodigies. That’s the kind of respect I wanted – and was sure I would get when I was older.)
Enter reality. Enter the passage of time. Enter life.
So, here I am today, older and maybe a tad bit wiser. I have a few wrinkles under my eyes, and last year, I found a gray hair. I find myself talking about “kids” – you know, adults in their 20s who do crazy things like text and Twitter and have toys like iPods and Wiis. And I find myself comparing my current life, my real life, to the one I envisioned when I was younger.
- Am I wildly successful, taking over the world one board room or published article at a time?
- Do I have a house full of kids who adore me, their cookie-baking, game-playing, craft-creating mother?
- Have I saved and invested wisely, ensuring a comfortable retirement, while still tithing and donating a significant percentage of my income?
- Have I traveled the world, started a business, become a size 10, run a marathon, learned to cook gourmet meals?
It’s questions like these, comparisons like that, that have dogged me the past year. I should have seen it coming when my husband turned 30. After all, that meant my doomsday was only two years away. But it didn’t sink in until I got the invitation to my 10-year class reunion. That’s when the real insecurities came. And they didn’t creep up, friends. No, they ambushed!
And I’ve battled those feelings for over a year now. But today, as my 30th birthday looms nearer, I’ve decided to truly fight back. Let’s try some different questions.
- Do I have family and friends I love dearly and who love me?
- Has God blessed me beyond comprehension, despite my mistakes, my stubbornness, my me-ness?
- Have I learned more about myself, about God, about the world, about life than I ever realized I didn’t know?
- Am I stronger, more confident, more compassionate, more educated, more humble, more me than I was 5, 10, 15 years ago?
And here’s one more – am I looking forward to the next 30 years, and the next after that, because I know that God has an amazing plan for me, a journey and adventure that only He could create?
Yes!
So, as I look back over my life so far and look forward (kind of) to this momentous day coming up, I’m thankful for my life experiences and so many blessings I won’t be able to name them all this month!
Which birthday has been your favorite so far? Or, if you’re so inclined, which has been the worst?
30 was a really hard year for me, too. But now that I’m past it I find it easier to deal with my age. And we have ipods and a WII. :D
i don’t remember 30 being a big deal. 26 was harder (although ‘hard’ probably isn’t the right word – just a deeper realization that i was an adult).
Oh wow! I think we share the same head! (or at least for the first part- I needed to hear the second part! Thank you!)
Yeah, 30 was the hardest for me. But you guys helped to make it much better! :) I think a lot of it is exactly like you said — not meeting expectations you (and the world) have set for yourself. For me, I looked back and thought about all the things I hadn’t done or had messed up or had missed out on or whatever, and also what that means for the future. (You know, that whole “these are the best days of your life” thing the world tells us) I think it’s really important to look at all our accomplishments and blessings so far, as well as blessings we have to look forward to, just like you’re doing. :) It’s all about your perspective, right? — half empty, half full, or thankful to have a cup. ;)
My best birthday was also my most recent, 36… 30 was my worst. Next year my best will be 37, and 38 after that. If I had only realized when I turned 30 that these really *are* the greatest years of life, I doubt I would have taken it so hard.
Happy Birthday in 30 days! :-)
Aw, that’s encouraging! :)
Your realistic questions list made me tear-up! How awesome for you to see all those special and wonderful things in your life instead of dwell on what hasn’t happened yet.
On my 30th birthday, my husband and I moved into our very own home. So that was a fun birthday. Each year that I’ve gotten older, I just go with the flow. I’ve never been embarrassed to tell people my age because it is what it is. We all age whether we like it or not! But… Aug. 07, was my big Five-0 and that was almost too much for me to accept. lol! Now I’m even another year older…UGH! I was just commenting to my husband that there is nothing good about getting older. Except I guess I’m much wiser, but is that really worth it? I’m not so sure. I definitely would love to have my 21 year old body back, but I was very immature until around age 31. Wow, is all of this really even interesting to you? I’m writing a small book on your blog! Sorry. :)
Brenda – I love your small book. And I’ll say again, you’re a very hip AND wise 51 year old! :)
Mocha – good word. Every year, Smitty and I say to each other, “THIS will be our year.” I guess it’d be a little more healthy to say, “THIS was our year! And next year will be, too!”
I’m comforted to know that I’m not alone in the struggle with age. It shouldn’t be a big deal and yet it is. But like I told Chelley, I’m pretty sure I’ll be the same person on December 19 that I was the day before. (I’ll let you know…)
ugh! so good! you have such a great perspective that permeates through your whole life!