Two weeks ago, Annalyn and I took an overnight trip to Des Moines. We drove home late Saturday night, and thankfully, Annalyn slept the entire way, leaving me with three hours by myself. To think. And pray.
This quiet time was awesome. And rough. I had worried about getting sleepy, but I was so engrossed in prayer and worship and conviction and a gamut of emotions that I was wide awake!
I won’t bore you with the details and everything I said to God and everything He said to me. But I do want to share my main revelation.
For the last couple of years, I’ve been holding onto my emotions tightly, keeping it all reined in and calling it “faith.” When things went wrong or differently than I’d expected or planned, I said, “It’s okay. God’s in control. I know it will turn out okay. I have faith.”
But it turns that even though I do have faith in God’s provision and His plan, I’ve still been hurt by some things. Actually, “hurt” doesn’t even cover it. Honestly, I’ve been devastated. Over and over, my world has been rocked.
The failure of our church plant.
The resulting loss of our close church family.
The divorce of three different couple friends.
Getting pregnant unexpectedly.
Several of my closest friends moving away.
Developing a serious illness and delivering my baby early.
Being laid off from my job while pregnant.
That’s a lot of stuff, right? And it seems that dealing with it Ohio Style hasn’t worked for me. (According to Ted on How I Met Your Mother, Buckeyes “push down the pain and if the pain starts to come up again, we push more pain down on top of it. Why confront something when you can avoid it?”)
So, I admitted – to God and to myself – that I can’t handle it all. That I haven’t dealt with this stuff. That I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to be okay. I don’t know. How. To be. Okay.
And one of the songs that was playing as I was sobbing this all out was Casting Crown’s East to West. That song has spoken to me before, but that night, the line that pierced my heart and my stubborn pride was, “I’m not holding on to You, but You’re holding on to me.” He’s been holding on to me – even when I convinced myself that I was fine, that I didn’t need anyone. I was okay.
But I wasn’t. And I’m not. I’m not okay. But He’s holding on to me.
So, today, I’m thankful that God rocks my world, because I know that’s one way He works in my life. And I’m thankful that I don’t have to be okay, because He’s holding on to me.
Has God rocked your world lately?
Jesus wept numerous times in the Bible. He didn’t try to hold his emotions in check when He was angry or happy or sad. I remind myself often that while He didn’t hide His emotions He always took them straight to His Father. With the miscarrage, then inability to conceive again and Chris’s job uncertainties God has really rocked my world lately, but truthfully I find a lot of comfort in that these days. As I get older and mature in my faith I look forward to the different seasons He brings into my life because I know the blessings they will eventually yield. I will pray for you as you seek God’s will through these difficult times and I look forward to hearing all about the blessings they have yielded!
i love that line.
i think i kind of do the same thing. i trust GOD that things are going to be okay, but i don’t trust HIM to be able to handle my emotions, so i bottle them up. i think i’m scared of what might happen if i let them go.
let me know when you’ve come up with a 12-step plan for that for me. :)
That’s a great song. I think women in general try to hold on to our emotions…especially moms. We try so hard not to burden anyone else with our feelings. You’re not alone. But I’m glad you are finally asking God to help you deal with your emotions because He never meant for you to carry your burdens alone.
I just can’t even tell you how much I relate to your post… The things are too painful to talk about in the open of the www, but trust me, this past year has been very difficult.
You know what I’ve learned, though? I’ve learned that emotions aren’t bad… I’ve learned that God gave us the ability to feel pain for a reason ~ it indicates when things are wrong. We live in a “wrong” world… So we will hurt. This, yes, doesn’t mean we don’t have faith that God will heal the hurt… But it doesn’t deny the hurt.
yes ma’am… I completely agree with you here. Sad to hear that you’ve hurt as well.
I love that line too (in fact, I posted it before! http://siriusmuggle.blogspot.com/2008/01/grace.html) It’s just so amazing and comforting that Him holding onto us isn’t dependent upon us holding onto Him.
Yup, God’s rocked my world. He tends to like doing that!
I tend to be a very emotional person- just ask Mel! I tend to not trust God to know what He’s doing, which is stupid on my part.
Our world sucks. It really really sucks.
And I really don’t think God causes a lot of it. I don’t think it’s consistent with His character. I think He allows it and then uses it for His glory. And He can take all of my emotions and use them for His glory, scraping me clean, drying me out (although I’ve learned that tears cause migranes!) and filling me up for the next thing. I’ve found the if I try to be less emotional about the bad, I also miss out on the good feelings. I don’t know about anyone else, but that’s where I’m at right now.